I Hate Holidays, Pt.One

I never understood, when I was growing up, what it was that made people hate the holidays so much. I always enjoyed all the gift giving, the presents, I never wanted for anything. God knows, I have a wonderful family and they all love the holidays. They're very generous, even to a fault. The lights, the presents, the reflection on the year past, friends and relatives getting together to celebrate.

Perhaps experience has made me bitter, or perhaps I have outgrown the niceties of the holidays. This year, I really hate them. I mean, no. I fucking hate the holidays.

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I can't do for my friends and family what I would like to do this year. I have been able, almost every year, to do impressive and very nice things for all of them. I have been, perhaps even more than they, an exorbitant gift giver. When I lived in New York City, I was always the one who brought home lox & bagels for the whole family. I would bring home great presents for my two nieces. When in Seattle, I always got fresh Salmon to bring home from the Pike Place Market, every year was a celebration.

Thanks to the economic forecast of the current administration, the lack of work, no job or job security, I'm out fishing for a couple of bucks to put gas in my car suddenly. I feel deeply disenfranchised, forgotten by people who made promises they did not keep, and too prideful to file an unemployment claim or go back to get food stamps.

I don't mean to bitch, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have friends, at least. At least I have a family. At least I have my arms and legs, my eyes, my hands, my faculties about me, and yes...I can type 80 words per minute.

But this year, I have felt a deeply disturbing and unexplained animosity at the sheer mention of holidays. The sight of Christmas lights disgust me. Menorahs make me cringe. Kwanzaa celebrations give me sickening chills down my spine. It's not directed at the relgions or groups who participate in these rituals, its the mere notion of the rituals themselves.

Perhaps a part of me is twisting itself in knots because I know I can't participate in the fun like I always have. Good thing you only need one person to throw a pity party.

I'll just sit here and count aluminum cans for a while.