Things I Didn't Blog About This Week (a.k.a. I've Been Holding Out On You)

Ok, so I guess it's true what I learned about myself last night at the Memphis Blogger Bash -- I really don't update very often. I can't decide if it's because I think my life is boring or because I don't want to open up the cavernous pit of my mind to people quite so much. Either way, I've decided to take a few minutes to get over the whole fear of flying to get down on it with everyone.



ITEM NUMBER ONE: Jack White is not trying to look like Johnny Depp, people. No, no, no. You're all dead wrong, way off-base, lost to the reality. Then who, oh bright and noble sage of all that is memorable for ten seconds, is he trying to resemble? [warning: spoilers ahoy]



A: Captain Beefheart. See, a lot of you don't know that Jack and I share a common bond in that we're both fans of Don Van Vliet. I hear it in White Stripes music all the time. Maybe it's just because I can see "that new look" Jack's been sporting all over creation that I can safely call it like I see it.



ITEM NUMBER TWO: Yes, it is true -- I eat every frickin-frackin day of my life at the same place. How do I love thee, Pho Hoa Binh? Let me count the ways. Were it not for the best-kept secret in all of Midtown memphis, there are days when your author might actually starve himself. All those tasty vegan entrees (there are a couple with meat on there too, pal), those mouth-watering soups, fresh oranges and watermelon slices, the best mustard greens I've ever put in my mouth, all for the measly low-down price of $5.19 including tax.

ATTENTION HIPSTERS: Do not give me dirty looks and send me pipebombs and get your faux-hawks in a tizzy because I'm spreading the gospel. Considering how many of you are gonna be out of town this summer, the owners of PHB need (and deserve) the business to stay alive. BONUS HINT: the chef and owner used to be the chef at another Midtown staple, Saigon Le.

ITEM NUMBER THREE: Yes it is true -- the Pho Hoa Binh diet has had a pertinent side-effect. I've lost almost 40lbs. since January of 2005 -- and I haven't exercised a lick. Occasionally, I've started to worry about the weight loss calling it "unintentional", but who am I kidding. I get tired of being called "big man" by our local well-meaning hobos and crackheads (e.g.: "AAAAY...ay, 'Big Man'...wassup, 'big man'? Can you hep me out wit some change, brah?")

ITEM NUMBER FOUR: Yes it is true -- I think I need a different job. I continue to idealize my business relationship with my friend and partner believing that together we are going to be part of the revolution happening in music. I believe it can be done, it's true. But after cracking at the egg for the last 5 months on a shoestring, recent events have clued me in to the fact that I can't do it without some substantial support. I can't leave him stranded, but something has got to give. Anyone need any freelance work done? I know a lot about um....well, music...



ITEM NUMBER FIVE: Did Michael Jackson do it? I don't know if he did or he didn't, but that kid and his family have an awful lot of chutzpah (or so it seems to me). I feel sorry for him, but that mother of his. She's a climber. Even if he did, Sneddon ain't gonna get him this time.

ITEM NUMBER SIX: Yes it is true -- I'm pissed that they tore down Tim McCarver stadium. It's no accident that I've barely been seen in public without donning my old Chicks hat.

ITEM NUMBER SEVEN: Yes it is true -- the rumors about an unplanned trip to Tunica with Samantha, Matt, Greg, and Tommy were all correct. A one-armed man got me all-in with an Ace-10 suited and beat me with a Jack-Deuce. I guess I have to start drinking and cursing at everyone if I want to win cash games in Tunica. However, congratulations are in order for Sam and Matt -- they made out like bandits.

ITEM NUMBER EIGHT: Yes it is true -- my Mom seriously hurt herself during the process of moving last weekend & is undergoing treatments to repair her back. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers, I do every single day. She's a wonderful woman & I'm so lucky to be her kid.

ITEM NUMBER NINE: Yes it is true -- I added a donation link to my page.

Some people frown on this practice of web beggary, but check it out -- bandwidth costs money. Daddy might need a new pair of shoes, but for content to continue to steam out of this blog, I gotta pay the piper. Your assistance is welcomed, appreciated, and donations of as little as $1 will help keep me from having to knock over a liquor store wearing a Grinch mask.



ITEM NUMBER TEN: Since you got this far, I should give you something, shouldn't I? OKAY, here's a sneak peek at the ENTIRE new Imogen Heap album entitled Speak For Yourself. This woman is going places and I can't wait to see it happen -- isn't she gorgeous? I don't even know when this damn thing comes out in the United States, but she is supposedly opening for Tori Amos this summer. In the meantime, you can stream this amazing CD by clicking here.

WHO LOVES YOU? I DO, BABY. THAT'S WHY YA KEEP COMING BACK -- FOR THE LOVE.