Over the course of a single moon cycle, many changes sweep through the constants of our lives. Situations unravel, people change, lives move forward. The daily occurrences that populate our expectations become altered somehow. Through a series of whirlwinds and meteors, planetary turbulences and gravitational pulls, we begin to see things more clearly or, as is too often the case, our ideas become muddied and confused.
The way in which I communicate with the people in my life has been impacted by my devotion to a single project that impacts 14-16 hours of my day. In two weeks time, that project will be over and I'm still going to be here. I'll probably come back to this blog, answer those emails, return those phone calls, and reconnect with people whom I have lost touch. In this period of time, these phases of the moon, some of the people in my life feel they are being sidelined or ignored. They think that their importance or relevance in my daily affairs has diminished or that I don't think about their welfare. The phone stops ringing. People I run into in my free time talk to me differently, treat me in a way that is both disheartening and unbecoming. I begin to hear and see things taking place regarding those people over which I have no control, and the worst thing that can happen is for those people to think that I don't care.
My problem is that I do care. I care far too much about the endeavors of those whom I champion. I place too much faith and earnestness in their daily exploits. In my free moments, I think too fondly of them and hope that they are okay, believing that they will call me and tell me when things are happening that I need to know. Out of some fear that they will be exposed to the clean light of day, as people far less in control of their destiny than they would like, they say nothing and do nothing. Phone calls go unreturned. I hear things from people "through the grapevine" and then I am forced to track down the source.
In the end, it's usually never as bad as it sounds like it might be.
Until today.
I find that the simple courtesy of offering gratitude for what has been done for me is usually enough. But even then, the niceties that go false and unrequited lead to dissension and dismantling of what is within those which is good and strong. I hear the most implausible things from the mouths of people for whom I would do anything. People for whom I have used the words "I would take a bullet for him" instead turn out to be small-minded and unlike themselves.
Is it in these actions that I discover who my friends truly are?
I'm a semantics wolf, a person who uses language to state precisely my meanings. It is frequently in the way other people interpret that language that problems arise. If I tell someone, "It feels like it might rain outside," nine people will have heard me say "It's going to rain" and one person will have heard what I actually said. Sort of like when someone uses the words "____ has asked me to ______" is interpreted as "I am _______".
Why am I telling you all of these things, some of you may ask?
It's quite simple. To the people in my life who think that just because the phone isn't ringing I don't care or I'm not thinking of you, and specifically those from whom I have not personally heard in quite some time as a result of the work I am doing, please allow me to assure you: I am thinking of you and I do care about you. I think about you more moments of the day than you could ever imagine. I wonder what you're doing, if you're having fun, if you're well, whether or not you're sick or hurt or lost. I think about the good and bad times we've had. I wonder if you're flourishing in your chosen path, if things are coming together as they should. I think about many things about you. When the time is right, I always call.
I would never let the thoughts in my head prevent me from picking up the phone and calling you to simply ask if you're doing okay. I would never want to hear from someone other than you that things are going well or poorly, and when I hear terrible things about you from people other than you I become concerned.
Through every cycle of the moon, through every peak and valley, one thing is certain: no man is an island, entire of himself. When a man becomes that, there is no hope for the good things that make a person who they are.
It takes no guts to be an ungrateful asshole to the people in whom I place my trust. It takes enormous guts to be thankful to them for being willing to go out on a limb for me when nobody else would or could.
In this next moon cycle, we could all learn a thing or two about trust and gratitude for one another. Othewise, stuck in one place spinning our wheels is the best any of us can ever hope for, no matter how good someone tells us we are.
Let me know how that thing works out for you now that you've decided you've got a better idea. I weep for the person whom you've become and pray it's only a moon phase that passes before you come back.
