How To Win Any Argument on the Internet

Today's front page update at Something Awful is outstanding. Now, if you've ever been in an argument on the internets, and I know a bunch of you have been, you will be able to have a good laugh at this article. Lowtax details perfectly how to court, engage, and blow the fucking doors off of any attacker on the internet who stoops to come after you. I mean, look people -- THE INTERNET IS VERY, VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS AND IS FILLED WITH VERY, VERY SERIOUS PEOPLE. You must be prepared to deal with the slings and arrows of always being 100% correct. You know you're right, everyone else knows you're right...except that one stupid, blithering asshole who just won't listen.

From Today's Update:

1) NEVER DEFEND YOUR OWN POINTS. Don't forget this monumental Internet argument cornerstone even if you fall down a well and get amnesia and learn you're pregnant with your mother's son's evil twin. Never, under any circumstance, attempt to defend what you've said; just attack the other person's argument over and over and over until one of you dies of old age or some legislative branch agrees to shut down the Internet forever. ....

EXAMPLE ARGUMENT:

FLAME: i cant believe u said that president clinton was the 16th president, tahts wrong, he was the 42nd president you damn ideiot, and i should know cuz my dad worked in the ovale office last year and he's in the social security which protext the president from terrists

INCORRECT RESPONSE: Upon completing some rudimentary research, I have reached the conclusion that you are correct and I was wrong! My apologies, dear sir, and thank you for revealing truth to me!

CORRECT RESPONSE: GOD THIS IS SO POINTLESS!!! listen I am sick of saying this over and over, you obviously r to stupid to understand even BASIC ENGLITSH and Im getting sick of your dumb emails so I'm blocking u once and for all GOODBYE DUMB ASS! DONT BOTHER EMAILING ME CUZ I WONT GET IT, WELCOME TO IGNORESVILLE POPULATION: YOU, HOPE U LIKE TALKING TO A BLOCK LIST HAHAHAHAHA.


Now head over to Something Awful and learn something important. Don't eat all the ho-ho's, Chubby Checker. And remember: "the twist" is not an appropriate nickname for that cruller you want to stuff into your third chin.